Language Is a Constraint Too

What a Birthday Party, a Systems Theorist, and a Volleyball Gym Taught Me About Letting Go

A friend introduced me to the work of David Snowden many years ago, back when I was first starting to question whether traditional coaching models really matched the messy, dynamic reality I was seeing in the gym. Snowden’s writing on complexity resonated deeply—but what stuck with me most wasn’t a dense academic paper or a conference talk.

It was a short, clever video about how to throw a children’s birthday party.

In it, Snowden explains—with humor and just the right amount of chaos—how different systems require different kinds of leadership. It’s called How to Organize a Children’s Party, and in just two minutes, it captures a truth that’s shaped the way I coach ever since.

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The Four Systems of the Cynefin Framework (Made Simple)

The Cynefin Framework, developed by Snowden, helps us make sense of different kinds of situations—and more importantly, shows us how to respond depending on the system we’re dealing with.

There are four main types of systems:

1. Simple (Clear)

Cause and effect are obvious. There’s a best practice. Just follow it.

Everyday Example:

• Following a recipe to boil an egg.

• Turning on a light switch.

Best response: Use clear instructions. No need to get creative—just do what works.

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2. Complicated

There’s a right answer, but it takes expertise or analysis to figure out.

Everyday Example:

• Fixing a car engine.

• Filing your taxes with multiple income sources.

• Planning a home renovation.

Best response: Consult an expert, analyze the options, and apply a solution. There’s a path forward—you just need to uncover it.

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3. Complex

Cause and effect aren’t obvious. Patterns emerge over time through interaction. You can’t predict the outcome—you have to experiment, observe, and adapt.

Everyday Example:

• Parenting a teenager.

• Building trust in a new workplace.

• Navigating a group conversation at a dinner party.

• Organizing a community event with a diverse group of volunteers.

Best response: Try something, observe what happens, and adjust. Relationships, emotions, learning—all live here. You don’t control them. You influence them.

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4. Chaotic

There’s no time for analysis. No clear patterns. Immediate action is needed to stabilize the situation.

Everyday Example:

• Responding to a car crash.

• Putting out a kitchen fire.

• Managing a sudden public outburst.

Best response: Act fast. Take decisive action to create safety or stability. Once the chaos settles, you can shift into a more deliberate approach.

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The biggest mistake many of us make as coaches, parents, and educators?

We treat complex situations like they’re complicated.
We assume there’s a correct answer. A fix. A formula.

But human beings don’t work that way.
Learning isn’t mechanical.
And in environments where emotion, exploration, and behavior are at play—we need to stop looking for control and start designing for emergence.

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Complicated vs. Complex Coaching (Birthday Party Edition)

This is where Snowden’s children’s party video really comes to life.

He describes how you might run a party for a group of eleven-year-old boys using each type of system thinking:

• Chaotic: Give them alcohol and let them explore “personal transformation.” (He’s joking… mostly.)

• Complicated: Print out learning objectives, build a project plan, and show a PowerPoint on how to hit party milestones. Total control.

• Complex: Draw a boundary (“No breaking the house”), toss in a few catalysts (a soccer ball, snacks, video games), and see what emerges. You support the patterns that work and gently redirect the ones that don’t.

Now reread that, but replace “party” with “classroom.”
Or “team.”
Or “practice.”
Or even “family.”

Same deal.

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My Coaching Language Was Part of the Problem

For years, my coaching language was firmly rooted in the complicated mindset.
I wanted control. Predictability. Compliance.

And it showed in the way I spoke:

• “I need you to close the block faster.”

• “You need to fix your platform.”

• “Don’t do that—it won’t work.”

• “You have to stay low.”

• “We’re going to rep this until it’s perfect.”

• “You’re overthinking it.”

Each phrase reinforced the idea that I knew the answer—and they needed to follow. It put players into a passive role. It narrowed their attention. It framed mistakes as failures, not feedback.

That’s not the environment I wanted to build.

So I started changing the words.

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From Directive to Discovery

Here’s how that shift looked in action:

Old Language: “I need you to…”
Why it hurts: Makes learning about coach compliance
A better shift: “Try exploring…” or “Let’s mess with this and see what happens.”

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Old Language: “Fix your swing”
Why it hurts: Implies the player is broken and the coach has the correct answer
A better shift: “What did you notice about your timing there?”

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Old Language: “Don’t do that”
Why it hurts: Shuts down exploration and creative solutions
A better shift: “What were you trying to do?”

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Old Language: “That’s wrong”
Why it hurts: Creates binary, right/wrong thinking
A better shift: “Let’s compare that with another option.”

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Old Language: “Always stay low”
Why it hurts: Encourages rigid form over adaptable movement
A better shift: “Did that posture help you feel balanced?”

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Old Language: “Rep it until it’s perfect”
Why it hurts: Reinforces repetition over adaptability
A better shift: “Let’s try it a few different ways and see what shows up.”

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Old Language: “Be more aggressive”
Why it hurts: Vague and moralized, often tied to effort-as-character
A better shift: “What would help you move more decisively here?”

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It didn’t happen all at once. I still catch myself slipping into old habits, especially under stress. But with time, these small changes started adding up.

My gym felt different.
My players acted differently.
They were more engaged. More curious. Less afraid of “getting it wrong.”
Because I stopped treating learning like a controlled operation. And started treating it like a dynamic system full of real-time adaptation.

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Why This Matters (Especially in Ecological Coaching)

If you coach using the ecological approach, the constraints-led framework, or any system rooted in complexity science, this shift isn’t optional.

Language is a constraint.

The moment you speak, you’re influencing perception, intention, and attention. You’re guiding players toward possibilities—or away from them.

When you say:

• “Don’t swing like that.”

• “You’re not doing it right.”

• “You need to follow through more.”

…you’re not just giving feedback.
You’re closing doors.

But when you say:

• “What were you attending to there?”

• “Let’s explore some alternatives.”

• “How’d that feel compared to the last rep?”

…you’re helping open them back up.

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A Final Thought (and a Small Challenge)

If coaching is like organizing a kids’ party (and let’s be honest—it kind of is)…
Then we have a choice:

We can hand out PowerPoints and try to script every move.
Or we can draw a few boundaries, toss in some attractors, and trust the system to self-organize.

Start by listening to yourself.
Just for one practice.

Notice the words you use.
Notice what they imply.
And maybe—just maybe—try changing one of them.

The language we use doesn’t just describe our coaching.
It creates it.

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Join the Conversation

What’s one phrase you’ve changed—or want to change—in your own coaching, teaching, parenting, or leadership language?

Drop it in the comments, or share this article with someone who might need a gentle reminder:
Language is a constraint too.

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